If I asked you to name three or four events that have happened to you over the last few years, what comes to mind? Probably the big things – accidents, weddings, break ups, deaths, career changes etc. But notice I didn’t suggest big events? Like most people you probably jumped straight to these significant events, when each and every day contains events that can influence your mood.
The things you focus on and give the most attention to, will be what sets up your emotional mindset for the day – or the week, month, or lifetime. Actively seeking out things that are going well in your day will begin to train your brain to focus on the positive, like drawing a stick many times along wet sand, and the groove grows deeper. This does not mean that you are denying what is not going well – life can be difficult, and this is certainly not about simply wearing rose-tinted glasses and mindlessly stumbling through life pretending everything is fine.
This is about learning how to control where, on what and on who, you shine your spotlight on; and recognising that there is more to your life than just the negative. It is too easy to shine your spotlight – or to intensify your focus – on problems in your life, often around work, family, and relationships.
To take this metaphor further, imagine that your life is a stage show that has a whole host of lights hanging from the ceiling. The spotlight is often fixated on a problem, while the other spotlights remain off. What might happen if you bring up all of the lights? The problem is still there, but you are now able to also see the things that matter to you – the people you love, the activities you enjoy, your plans, hopes, and dreams for the future.
Now, practice shining your spotlight on one of those important parts of your life. The problems have not gone away, but through intentional focus and your own behaviour, start physically doing the things that support what’s important to you – make plans with that loved one, commit to starting that sport, or start researching a new opportunity that you have been thinking about. It is your behaviours that will allow you to shift that focus.
Where you shine that spotlight does not have to be on major events either. While our brain is busy looking for notable events, likely negative ones that need solving, there is so much that happens in our day that goes unnoticed. Shift your focus to that startling sunrise, a delicious meal, a phone call with a loved one, or training your new dog. Start to actively search out small but meaning-making moments throughout your day, these are called glimmers, to add value and depth to your life.
An easy way to get these ideas started, is to make an album on your phone, perhaps call it glimmers. Add photos to this album, they could already be on your phone, or they may be new ones you take just for this purpose.
Soon you will accrue an album of photos that you can look back through to be reminded of what already exists in your life that is good. The active searching of material for this album will also start to create that line in the sand.
The concepts I have presented you with here are not new, nor are they difficult. It’s when we unquestioningly go through life hyper-fixated or ruminating on the negative, problems that may or may not have yet occurred, or even dealing with them in unproductive ways, that suffering can be experienced.
With a shift in perspective to how we think about things and what we focus on, we can start to build the lives we want. Start small, check your actions, and bring up the lights.
Kathryn Wright is a rural counsellor and a member of the New Zealand Association of Counsellors. kathrynwright.co.nz
